For Kim Jonghyun

     As soon as I received the news that Kim Jonghyun died, my brain immediately got back to my high school memories, retaining those times when I was so in love with his group SHINee.

     How could I forget Jonghyun? He’s the reason why I have high standards for kpop groups’ vocal line. SHINee was my standard for a gopd kpop group. Beat SHINee’s choreography and I’d like you. Beat their songs and I’d listen to yours. SHINee created a way for me to be a kpop fan; they were one of my foundations. If I have this free time my hand would automatically choose a SHINee playlist on Spotify.

     You see, he has a special place in my heart. My body went cold when I found out that he committed suicide. Among all other possibilities of his death, I’d put it at the end of the list. Seeing how he’s all smiles during interviews and shows, and having hilarious tweets that make me laugh every time, it’s hard to think he’s been suffering deep inside.

     Why? Probably people kept on asking from him to do better; but I don’t see him as someone who needs improvement in the kind of industry he’s in. In fact, several groups out there look upon him, and on SHINee, as role models, as inspiration. Jjong is talented enough. Why would he be so down and pressured with the demands of other people? On the brighter side, a lot of fans love him to death; and I’m one of them.

     This should be a lesson to everyone. Now, an icon, an inspiration; a wonderful man died because of depression. Don’t you think it’s alarming? It just proves that, no matter how famour or rich you can be, either we’re at the top of a gold chest or buried under it, depression can hit us. It can take our lives. We, as human beings, should learn to listen to each other, no matter how big or small our problems can be. All we needed is someone who listens and understands. Someone who could hold our hand, who could loce us, when we feel like loathing ourselves. We can’t be at their shoes at the current time they’re suffering but I believe, one day, we’d be experiencing the same dilemma, and for sure we’d be needing someone who’d support us during the hard times too.

     As for Jonghyun, you’re in safe arms now. You’ve fought well, and you may have regretted taking your life, just know that through you, you’ve opened a lot of hearts and minds. Somehow, you’ve left us a part of your regrets; those times when we weren’t paying so much attention when you expressed what you’re feeling through your songs, giving you our full support, for not holding on to you and supporting your skills instead of having these petty demands.

     And for everyone who loves Jonghyun, may his death not be gone in vain. Let us not forget that one of our brothers had given up his life just because he felt like no one wants to listen to what he really feels. Let us be more open-minded and help each other in coping up from our downs, so we could make this world less cruel.

To the Man Who Reminded Me of My First Love

     I have been telling you that maybe we met for a reason. You looked a lot like him; looking at you seems to ache my heart for some time, those sad memories starts to fill my mind instantly. I didn't know you felt the same way; or I think you were; since you said you have two close friends; one with the same name as mine, and the other one who looks like me. You even joked about us being destined. I just laughed it off; and almost disregarded it; but I was a curious person and I contemplate a lot; I took your joke as something worth thinking about.

     You were one hell of a nice, handsome, smart guy. I described you as a 'whole package' to my best friend, who, too, has been analyzing your actions whenever I tell her what happens on a day between us. You're funny too; and, I haven't told anyone about this; it makes you irresistible to be with. We became friends, apparently, and to be honest I forgot how it started. I just remembered how we share music and laugh around on petty jokes you make. There was no label between us, we were plainly friends, and it was very fine for me; satisfying to have a friend like you, to be exact. Somehow, the features you have doesn't seem to let me remember the past; I got a feeling you would be different, and our friendship would not come to that.

     However the hard times never failed to arrive. You started to feel distant. Rumor has it, you have a girl friend you left in your province. I believed it too, because I have observed it and it was oblivious. The awkwardness was starting to fill me up too; knowing that we're getting teased every time we talk. You know the harder part? I was actually starting to like you the more we rarely talk. It's kind of stupid, but the truth is, I have been interested in you since then. Forgive me for I felt like this.

     I felt sad; and quite astonished; on how you always denied having a girlfriend. I badly wanted to ask you why; but I have this strong feeling I don't deserve to know. Private and too personal, right? But, did you know, the more I insisted myself you have found your lover, the more I became interested to know you. For me you seemed so mysterious, and it's a disgusting feeling I should not have.

     I still remember everything you did for me which I thought showed signs of you having an affection on me. You were worried over me for not taking my dinner. You sounded bossy when you scolded me for being 'pasaway' , for drinking something that's not good for my health. You sounded concerned when I ate foods that would trigger my allergy. You usually ask me if I feel fine every time I showed my poker; or what I call; normal face. You offered your shoulder so I can rest my head on it when I felt I'm dozing off to sleep when we were in a van on our way home after a long training trip. You even tease me most of the time to eat carrots because you know I don't like them. You called me beautiful, and it's the first time I heard a man say that to me clearly. Those good things that still make me smile every time I remember them; but I wish I could just forget them along with you.

     We parted ways without having formal goodbyes. But you kept in touch with me, but I had no idea why. I discovered, through our exchanged phone messages, that you have a girlfriend for two years now. I told you I'm happy for the relationship you're having; but mind you, it took me a lot of courage to say that.

     Time soon came when we finally lost connection; to which I prayed hardly would happen. We did not still, had a formal goodbye; but this time it's no more big deal for me. I guess God finally answered my prayer.

     I have been waiting to tell you that finally, after days of comprehending everything that has happened, I cane to my realization; it's that, every weird similarities we have were just pure coincidence. Meaningless. It hurt me to realize you stayed for a while just to give me that lesson. Somehow, you and my first love met at the same point; it was to hurt my heart and leave a scar. However, I cant blame both of you, as this was my choice to contain this feeling; and if others may say you laid a part on making me feel this way, then I will disregard that thought immediately. Maybe I just have to be careful of whom I fall in love with the next time.

U

I was disappoonted because I was expecting things would happen the way I think of them.

I was hoping you could handle me gently during my bad times, turns our I shouldn’ve have.

You were there but you seemed to be so distant, it made me sad.

I can’t even tell you what my bad dreams were, afraid that you might turn them worse.

The fear of trusting you is almost at its peak, and I’m always doing my best to let it down.

How can I find peace of mind when all you did was to let this sadness inside of me grow more?

Please don’t make me think you aren’t the one I am looking for.

R

Note: This post was intended to be uploaded here several months ago.


　　At first I am hesitant to write a simple letter about you, and secretly intended for you; but now here I am, writing these words I badly want to say to you but couldn’t get it out from my mouth and tell you personally, so let my hand write them, so at least it would lift a heavy mass inside my heart which I hid for several months now.

　　First of all, how are you?
　　
　　It’s been six months, to be exact, since you sent me your last message. I could still remember the smile on my face when I read your name on my inbox, indicating that you had indeed sent me a short message, greeting me.
　　
　　But now, even your name, I couldn’t dare to write it.
　　
　　Not because I’m trying to forget you, but because I could feel the shame whenever I remember those times of ‘us’ together.
　　
　　I have always felt something ‘unspoken’ was present between us, that we were just shy and awkward to tell it frankly, simply because it wasn’t right.
　　
　　How was that supposed to mean something? I was foolish back then to think that way.
　　
　　Of course, I haven’t known that men like you, actually exist.
　　
　　Well, unlucky for me, I didn’t ask the basic questions. I was so much carried away by my emotions. Stupidity, and ignorance at its finest; truly, first times aren’t always the best ones.
　　
　　Everyone can blame me, tell me that what I did before was wrong; that I was replying to your messages, that I was feeling this felicity everytime we talk; that I was actually flirting with you, despite the fact that you already have a girlfriend, for a few years.
　　
　　I knew it several weeks after we met, and to be honest, I was already investing a gram of feelings towards you that time. How on earth did this happen? From all the men I encountered with, I actually got attracted to someone who’s already taken?
　　
　　These things make me mad, actually. Really mad; towards you, but most entirely towards myself.
　　
　　Angry towards you for not telling it. For denying it. For acting like you were concerned of me.
　　
　　Angry towards me for being shallow-minded, for being an idiot, for feeling based on my assumptions, for being an unlearned human being when it comes to infatuation and romantic love.
　　
　　This feeling, which has undeniably controlled me for the past few days, had grown in me eventually; but now I realized my limitations. I have accepted that I could only like you from afar, and I could only dream of us being together.
　　
　　But I am thankful; for because of you, I learned that you those silly, pretty little things someone does for you, do not always mean that they like you; because sometimes, they do it out of friendship and appreciation.
　　
　　I won’t pray for your relationship to fail; I pray for you to be loyal and faithful to your other half, for it’s the best thing on the list you could do for her, after love.
　　
　　As for me, too, I pray that these thoughts of you would not feed my emotions anymore, for this has nothing good to do with me, and it won’t bring me genuine happiness.
　　
　　I hope you’re doing good these days. I’m actually hoping to meet you again some time.
　　
Your friend,
S

B

　　It is inevitable; time would really come that you become the worst person you can be, and you just wouldn’t know it. Eventually, you could not handle these hard situations in your life, and you end up being bad, being overly stressed on things, being rude, being hopeless. Then you realized, you have hurt so much people, and you hurt yourself so much. Lucky for you, if you have persons who did not leave, despite the worst side you have shown to the world.
　　
　　That is how I felt when I have experienced the toughest times I could have in my life, and yet this one person stayed with me, no matter how good or bad the weather within me can be.
　　

　　Everyone, meet my one and only, my truest, bestest friend I have.
　　
　　There were many times that I have tested our friendship (almost four years being with a paranoid lady like me wasn’t easy, I tell you) but this lady, whom I didn’t expect to become my best friend, had stayed.
　　
　　I want to dedicate this to her, this one girl that I couldn’t fully express my gratitude to because I can be as awkward as I can get when I say these things personally.
　　
　　First off, I want to say, from the bottom, deepest, most sincere part of my heart, that I love you to death.
　　
　　There were times when I was as moody as I could get, but you handled it; you handled me carefully, you were at your utmost patience most of the time. You kept the madness that starts to build up within you, and chose to do the good approach over the wrong one. I love you so much for that.
　　
　　You knew everything about me; even my deepest secrets. You were my human diary, and it felt lifeless without you. Because of you, I learned to be open to somebody, without keeping sentiments inside my heart, which actually helped me get better day by day. You know it wasn’t good for me to just keep something bad inside anymore because you know I was a masochist, and I got depressed back then; so you helped me cope up by always asking how I am whenever you could notice the look on my face, which signifies that I am not fine.
　　
　　I became dependent to you in so many ways; you’re like my other half already. You have the power to change my mood in an instant. You’re that influential to me. I have already proven a lot of times that you actually love me, and that you were sincere every time you tell me that you’re concerned with me.
　　
　　We have a lot of goals in life, a single paper isn’t enough to fit all of those. We planned to live in the same house together, to travel on our favorite countries, to taste every food we could have, to have business together, to have kids which will be like us, the best of friends; everything that each best friends could think of.
　　

　　And noting is much proof that you’re a gift from heaven when you became a paved way for me to get closer to God. You were a devoted Christian, a Roman Catholic, and because of you, I got close to God, and understood His word. I knew from then on that you were an unexpected gift that came to me; an surprise and blessing that would happen to me. I couldn’t thank the Lord enough for this present which had changed me for the better, and more importantly, which brought me closer to Him.

　　I have always believed that our friendship is different from others’; we were like a couple already, it can’t be denied; some people even think of us as such; but we knew deep in our hearts that the love we feel for each other isn’t the romantic one; but the sisterly one. You always told me I’m your answered prayer; because before, you have no closest ones; but now here I am, and I feel grateful for treating me a blessing.

　　Here’s what I always wanted to tell you, truthfully.
　　
　　I may be hard to deal with at times, but you endured all of it because you love me. Thank you.
　　
　　I’m a person that stresses over things, even the littlest ones, and even came up to the time that I was depressed; but you never left. Thank you.
　　
　　I was hard-headed back then, my pride was as high as a skyscraper, but now I managed to control what I say and became patient, like you. Thank you.
　　
　　My thoughts are disarrayed because I lack faith in God, but you came and taught me how to get closer to him. Thank you..
　　
　　A million thank you’s isn’t enough to express everything I am grateful for because of you, but I always do the best I could to show them in my actions. I may be cold and rude most of the time, but you should think that it isn’t totally me who’s doing it but my ego who’s trying to get herself out of me, trying to rule over kindness. You know that I love you so much, and even though at most times I push you away, you should know, too, that what I feel deep inside is the opposite of it.
　　
　　You’re so hard to replace, and you’re important to me, so I could not afford to lose you. I love you so much. I hope we could stay as best of friends forever.
　　
Your bestfriend.

D

        Appreciation Post for My Classmates for Five Years

　　It’s been five years now and seems like everything’s on rush...

　　

　　That first line of the song that Nickler wrote is the line that best describes what I feel right now.

　　You were strangers when I entered the university; who would have known that these strangers will become the same people who changed me as a whole, for the better?

　　

　　I will tell you guys honestly; most of the time, I feel annoyed with your voices. Your life is full of fun, I must actually say. You laugh here and there, tell jokes, mock each other every now and then, like what we are studying isn’t much of a big deal. Like, what the hell, are we even studying? All I see with you are those bullying, DOTA playing, sports, outing plans, everything not related to school. 

　　

　　Eventually, when I look back on those days, I realized the fun we all have made the best memories. No other group could beat our teamwork, nor the fun we have. It was worth remembering, and there were no regrets. Those sleepless night weren’t boring and tiring; those projects and case studies didn’t give us a lot of stress; those exams weren’t even really hard for us (LOL)! Those problems we thought couldn’t be solved, were given a solution, thanks to our secret skills in working things out using our own, savage ways.

　　

　　I’ll tell you another thing. Because of you, my college life became extremely Wonderful. I am serious with that.

　　

　　You were a bunch of amazing people, and that’s true. You taught me how to be careless yet responsible; to be a bully myself but kind deep inside; to be patient with everything, even though it felt hopeless. You helped me changed to become a better version. 

　　

　　Now we are almost in the finish line. As what our favorite professor said, we are already engineeres. We take the board exam so we could get the ‘R’ before ME, which means ‘registered’. We are all witnesses of our hardwork, our efforts, we could graduate on time. No one must be left behind, all of us should win. All of us will become good, competitive mechanical engineers. God has given us the wisdom we needed for this course, and now He had shown us these blessings which had helped us reach our goals. I do hope that in the near time, we will remain as good friends. Let us not forget all our struggles together, and I would be glad that through our memories, we could get through a bad day or at least draw a smile on our faces everytime we remember them. 

　　

　　I’m sending my love to all of you. 

To My Best Friend, I'm Sorry and Thank You.

Five years.

As far as I remembered, our friendship will be reaching its fifth year this year. The friendship that we built was one of a kind; it does not simulate the typical ‘best friendship’ most best friends out there have; our is a kind of special one, and I am very thankful for having found this kind of sisterhood I have not dreamt of having even once in my life.

You said I was a gift from heaven, that you have been praying for a person like me to come into your life. In all honesty, those words have been one of the sweetest thing my ears have heard ever since I was born.

This is why even though we have taken a really rough road, you still managed to walk on it. You were brave enough to walk with me in this path full of traps and unwanted creatures luring us in every way they can, destroying the relationship we have built.

There were times when I was the saddest person in the world; but you never left me. You never ever left me; even once. You have understood every reason of my downside, like you’re my own sister, and that’s one of the things I could be really thankful for. Your existence to my life was a great gift from God that I did not expect.

Somehow things had gone different for days now.

The problems I deal with are so overwhelming. I may have thought me being sad isn’t the the issue right now; but it is our friendship.

I felt like you’ve changed. I confronted you about it, you said you haven’t; it’s just me that doesn’t understand you any longer. Both of us get mad over simple things already. This has been going for weeks now.

I feel like I just have to let everything go. 

Friendship means helping each other grow, right? How come this doesn’t help us mold ourselves to become better ones?

This problem has been tolerable for the past years, but this time, the signs are too strong to be ignored.

I think it’s time to let this end.

No matter how we get back into good terms, I would still feel something’s not right about this.

And it’s always my fault.

Yes, I don’t want to blame you. Everything bad that happened between us is my fault. 

I know you’ve changed your way of reaching out towards me; you know my every side. You seem to adjust so you could at least understand me; but, have your ever wondered, if I had done the same towards you?

Believe me, I tried. But I always end up getting back on the starting line, because I really don’t know how.

You’re always the one who does a lot of effort for me. You always showed me how much you love me, and how much you love even my darkest, meanest side. You have felt that I don’t like you, because it is what you observe, what you feel; you even told me that maybe I forgot you’re also a human being who could feel the same pain and sadness I have been feeling.

My dear, I do not forget that you’re also a human too.

These days, you have been indirectly showing our other friends what I really am, and that truly hurt me. I do not expose my mean side, but I end up showing it because of you. And I feel so ashamed. Most of the time I want to back our and cry my heart out, but every people would think it’s too shallow to be cried over.

I have been battling every war that happens inside me just to get me throughout the day feeling fine. I have been pretending to be the person I always dreamt to become; the easy-going, happy, smart person everyone has known.

You’re always right; I haven’t loved myself.

And you were right too, that I couldn’t love any person if I do not love myself first.

That would include you on ‘any person’.

But this does not mean our friendship will end here, right?

I would just have to slowly withdraw from any event that may bring us closer, because in the end, both of us would just get hurt, and I don't want to hurt especially you, who have been very important to me.

Plus this isn’t really a priority for us, since we will be ending our last year in college this year and we should be working hard for our dreams.

I do hope that our attachment for each other would cease, because, sadly, this isn’t right. This isn’t right in many ways I can’t imagine.

I've seen Wonders; thank to you.

To that one person I currently invest my feelings to,

Hello there. You might think I this is all a game. You might think that I’ve been joking around with you. You might think that I’ve been lying to you all the time. You might think that I was not sincere when I told you that I was courting you.

Half of me was thankful you felt that way for me, and half of me was pained because of what you were thinking.

You did not know I’ve mustered enough courage to tell these things to you. I have been so dumb at choosing my words to say, so it always ended up being unbelievable; they sounded so unreal that even the best men in town would think of it as one of the craziest things a woman could do towards a man.

The truth is everything I did, everything I said towards you, is real.

I could only show an upwards curve on my lips every time I tell myself I’ve been such a fool for doing those things towards you. Yes, they all sounded so dumb; desperate; immature; but the important thing is, I was sincere and courageous enough to do those things to you.

There were times when I refuse to send my messages to you; in the thought that you might think I’m being silly again. For the record, I gathered a lot of unsent messages; the words my mind do not agree to say to you when my heart was so desperate to say so.

You were like a sunshine to me; in fact, brighter than the brightest light shone by the sun. Your presence is an irresistible reason for me to smile. You make my mind feel at ease. Your smile that greets me every time makes my heart flutter. Your voice and your embrace was the warmest every time I feel them.

My friends are kind of confused as to why I got these feelings for you. My admiration towards you; it’s really a mystery as to why it has come to me. I just woke up one day and realized that I like you. A lot.

That’s why I have been doing my best just to get a smile from you, a conversation with you, just to get into your world and mark my existence in it.

Right now, things might be kind of complicated between us anymore.

You have found your way into another road, and you left the road you used to walk in, saying you were never satisfied to where it leads. I was sad at this realization of yours; but because my affection for you ruled over me, I chose to support you on whatever makes you happy and gratified.

I couldn’t undo everything I showed towards you. I know you might be confused of everything I did; but this heart-felt letter I made for you will tell you everything that’s inside my heart.

I have expected my consequences. I know I deserve, even your slightest hatred, towards me, and I will never blame you. I have shown you one of my other sides. I had no idea you wouldn’t like it; so now, I am withdrawing from my habit of annoying you in any way I can.

Also, from the deepest part of me, I am really sorry. I’m sorry for being so annoying, for being affectionate for no clear reasons, for being so desperate to get your attention; and I’m sorry for stopping things just now.

I still think that after this catastrophe our friendship would still be restored, like this never happened, like all of these was just a dream.

However the fluttering feelings I have for you will remain. You would still be this one person that I admire despite the flaws everyone sees towards you.

Please forgive me and let love forget all the bad things we’ve witnessed.

To you, J, thank you for giving me the chance to show to you the wonders I had developed and discovered because of you.