R

Note: This post was intended to be uploaded here several months ago.


　　At first I am hesitant to write a simple letter about you, and secretly intended for you; but now here I am, writing these words I badly want to say to you but couldn’t get it out from my mouth and tell you personally, so let my hand write them, so at least it would lift a heavy mass inside my heart which I hid for several months now.

　　First of all, how are you?
　　
　　It’s been six months, to be exact, since you sent me your last message. I could still remember the smile on my face when I read your name on my inbox, indicating that you had indeed sent me a short message, greeting me.
　　
　　But now, even your name, I couldn’t dare to write it.
　　
　　Not because I’m trying to forget you, but because I could feel the shame whenever I remember those times of ‘us’ together.
　　
　　I have always felt something ‘unspoken’ was present between us, that we were just shy and awkward to tell it frankly, simply because it wasn’t right.
　　
　　How was that supposed to mean something? I was foolish back then to think that way.
　　
　　Of course, I haven’t known that men like you, actually exist.
　　
　　Well, unlucky for me, I didn’t ask the basic questions. I was so much carried away by my emotions. Stupidity, and ignorance at its finest; truly, first times aren’t always the best ones.
　　
　　Everyone can blame me, tell me that what I did before was wrong; that I was replying to your messages, that I was feeling this felicity everytime we talk; that I was actually flirting with you, despite the fact that you already have a girlfriend, for a few years.
　　
　　I knew it several weeks after we met, and to be honest, I was already investing a gram of feelings towards you that time. How on earth did this happen? From all the men I encountered with, I actually got attracted to someone who’s already taken?
　　
　　These things make me mad, actually. Really mad; towards you, but most entirely towards myself.
　　
　　Angry towards you for not telling it. For denying it. For acting like you were concerned of me.
　　
　　Angry towards me for being shallow-minded, for being an idiot, for feeling based on my assumptions, for being an unlearned human being when it comes to infatuation and romantic love.
　　
　　This feeling, which has undeniably controlled me for the past few days, had grown in me eventually; but now I realized my limitations. I have accepted that I could only like you from afar, and I could only dream of us being together.
　　
　　But I am thankful; for because of you, I learned that you those silly, pretty little things someone does for you, do not always mean that they like you; because sometimes, they do it out of friendship and appreciation.
　　
　　I won’t pray for your relationship to fail; I pray for you to be loyal and faithful to your other half, for it’s the best thing on the list you could do for her, after love.
　　
　　As for me, too, I pray that these thoughts of you would not feed my emotions anymore, for this has nothing good to do with me, and it won’t bring me genuine happiness.
　　
　　I hope you’re doing good these days. I’m actually hoping to meet you again some time.
　　
Your friend,
S

B

　　It is inevitable; time would really come that you become the worst person you can be, and you just wouldn’t know it. Eventually, you could not handle these hard situations in your life, and you end up being bad, being overly stressed on things, being rude, being hopeless. Then you realized, you have hurt so much people, and you hurt yourself so much. Lucky for you, if you have persons who did not leave, despite the worst side you have shown to the world.
　　
　　That is how I felt when I have experienced the toughest times I could have in my life, and yet this one person stayed with me, no matter how good or bad the weather within me can be.
　　

　　Everyone, meet my one and only, my truest, bestest friend I have.
　　
　　There were many times that I have tested our friendship (almost four years being with a paranoid lady like me wasn’t easy, I tell you) but this lady, whom I didn’t expect to become my best friend, had stayed.
　　
　　I want to dedicate this to her, this one girl that I couldn’t fully express my gratitude to because I can be as awkward as I can get when I say these things personally.
　　
　　First off, I want to say, from the bottom, deepest, most sincere part of my heart, that I love you to death.
　　
　　There were times when I was as moody as I could get, but you handled it; you handled me carefully, you were at your utmost patience most of the time. You kept the madness that starts to build up within you, and chose to do the good approach over the wrong one. I love you so much for that.
　　
　　You knew everything about me; even my deepest secrets. You were my human diary, and it felt lifeless without you. Because of you, I learned to be open to somebody, without keeping sentiments inside my heart, which actually helped me get better day by day. You know it wasn’t good for me to just keep something bad inside anymore because you know I was a masochist, and I got depressed back then; so you helped me cope up by always asking how I am whenever you could notice the look on my face, which signifies that I am not fine.
　　
　　I became dependent to you in so many ways; you’re like my other half already. You have the power to change my mood in an instant. You’re that influential to me. I have already proven a lot of times that you actually love me, and that you were sincere every time you tell me that you’re concerned with me.
　　
　　We have a lot of goals in life, a single paper isn’t enough to fit all of those. We planned to live in the same house together, to travel on our favorite countries, to taste every food we could have, to have business together, to have kids which will be like us, the best of friends; everything that each best friends could think of.
　　

　　And noting is much proof that you’re a gift from heaven when you became a paved way for me to get closer to God. You were a devoted Christian, a Roman Catholic, and because of you, I got close to God, and understood His word. I knew from then on that you were an unexpected gift that came to me; an surprise and blessing that would happen to me. I couldn’t thank the Lord enough for this present which had changed me for the better, and more importantly, which brought me closer to Him.

　　I have always believed that our friendship is different from others’; we were like a couple already, it can’t be denied; some people even think of us as such; but we knew deep in our hearts that the love we feel for each other isn’t the romantic one; but the sisterly one. You always told me I’m your answered prayer; because before, you have no closest ones; but now here I am, and I feel grateful for treating me a blessing.

　　Here’s what I always wanted to tell you, truthfully.
　　
　　I may be hard to deal with at times, but you endured all of it because you love me. Thank you.
　　
　　I’m a person that stresses over things, even the littlest ones, and even came up to the time that I was depressed; but you never left. Thank you.
　　
　　I was hard-headed back then, my pride was as high as a skyscraper, but now I managed to control what I say and became patient, like you. Thank you.
　　
　　My thoughts are disarrayed because I lack faith in God, but you came and taught me how to get closer to him. Thank you..
　　
　　A million thank you’s isn’t enough to express everything I am grateful for because of you, but I always do the best I could to show them in my actions. I may be cold and rude most of the time, but you should think that it isn’t totally me who’s doing it but my ego who’s trying to get herself out of me, trying to rule over kindness. You know that I love you so much, and even though at most times I push you away, you should know, too, that what I feel deep inside is the opposite of it.
　　
　　You’re so hard to replace, and you’re important to me, so I could not afford to lose you. I love you so much. I hope we could stay as best of friends forever.
　　
Your bestfriend.