R

Note: This post was intended to be uploaded here several months ago.


　　At first I am hesitant to write a simple letter about you, and secretly intended for you; but now here I am, writing these words I badly want to say to you but couldn’t get it out from my mouth and tell you personally, so let my hand write them, so at least it would lift a heavy mass inside my heart which I hid for several months now.

　　First of all, how are you?
　　
　　It’s been six months, to be exact, since you sent me your last message. I could still remember the smile on my face when I read your name on my inbox, indicating that you had indeed sent me a short message, greeting me.
　　
　　But now, even your name, I couldn’t dare to write it.
　　
　　Not because I’m trying to forget you, but because I could feel the shame whenever I remember those times of ‘us’ together.
　　
　　I have always felt something ‘unspoken’ was present between us, that we were just shy and awkward to tell it frankly, simply because it wasn’t right.
　　
　　How was that supposed to mean something? I was foolish back then to think that way.
　　
　　Of course, I haven’t known that men like you, actually exist.
　　
　　Well, unlucky for me, I didn’t ask the basic questions. I was so much carried away by my emotions. Stupidity, and ignorance at its finest; truly, first times aren’t always the best ones.
　　
　　Everyone can blame me, tell me that what I did before was wrong; that I was replying to your messages, that I was feeling this felicity everytime we talk; that I was actually flirting with you, despite the fact that you already have a girlfriend, for a few years.
　　
　　I knew it several weeks after we met, and to be honest, I was already investing a gram of feelings towards you that time. How on earth did this happen? From all the men I encountered with, I actually got attracted to someone who’s already taken?
　　
　　These things make me mad, actually. Really mad; towards you, but most entirely towards myself.
　　
　　Angry towards you for not telling it. For denying it. For acting like you were concerned of me.
　　
　　Angry towards me for being shallow-minded, for being an idiot, for feeling based on my assumptions, for being an unlearned human being when it comes to infatuation and romantic love.
　　
　　This feeling, which has undeniably controlled me for the past few days, had grown in me eventually; but now I realized my limitations. I have accepted that I could only like you from afar, and I could only dream of us being together.
　　
　　But I am thankful; for because of you, I learned that you those silly, pretty little things someone does for you, do not always mean that they like you; because sometimes, they do it out of friendship and appreciation.
　　
　　I won’t pray for your relationship to fail; I pray for you to be loyal and faithful to your other half, for it’s the best thing on the list you could do for her, after love.
　　
　　As for me, too, I pray that these thoughts of you would not feed my emotions anymore, for this has nothing good to do with me, and it won’t bring me genuine happiness.
　　
　　I hope you’re doing good these days. I’m actually hoping to meet you again some time.
　　
Your friend,
S