To the Man Who Reminded Me of My First Love

     I have been telling you that maybe we met for a reason. You looked a lot like him; looking at you seems to ache my heart for some time, those sad memories starts to fill my mind instantly. I didn't know you felt the same way; or I think you were; since you said you have two close friends; one with the same name as mine, and the other one who looks like me. You even joked about us being destined. I just laughed it off; and almost disregarded it; but I was a curious person and I contemplate a lot; I took your joke as something worth thinking about.

     You were one hell of a nice, handsome, smart guy. I described you as a 'whole package' to my best friend, who, too, has been analyzing your actions whenever I tell her what happens on a day between us. You're funny too; and, I haven't told anyone about this; it makes you irresistible to be with. We became friends, apparently, and to be honest I forgot how it started. I just remembered how we share music and laugh around on petty jokes you make. There was no label between us, we were plainly friends, and it was very fine for me; satisfying to have a friend like you, to be exact. Somehow, the features you have doesn't seem to let me remember the past; I got a feeling you would be different, and our friendship would not come to that.

     However the hard times never failed to arrive. You started to feel distant. Rumor has it, you have a girl friend you left in your province. I believed it too, because I have observed it and it was oblivious. The awkwardness was starting to fill me up too; knowing that we're getting teased every time we talk. You know the harder part? I was actually starting to like you the more we rarely talk. It's kind of stupid, but the truth is, I have been interested in you since then. Forgive me for I felt like this.

     I felt sad; and quite astonished; on how you always denied having a girlfriend. I badly wanted to ask you why; but I have this strong feeling I don't deserve to know. Private and too personal, right? But, did you know, the more I insisted myself you have found your lover, the more I became interested to know you. For me you seemed so mysterious, and it's a disgusting feeling I should not have.

     I still remember everything you did for me which I thought showed signs of you having an affection on me. You were worried over me for not taking my dinner. You sounded bossy when you scolded me for being 'pasaway' , for drinking something that's not good for my health. You sounded concerned when I ate foods that would trigger my allergy. You usually ask me if I feel fine every time I showed my poker; or what I call; normal face. You offered your shoulder so I can rest my head on it when I felt I'm dozing off to sleep when we were in a van on our way home after a long training trip. You even tease me most of the time to eat carrots because you know I don't like them. You called me beautiful, and it's the first time I heard a man say that to me clearly. Those good things that still make me smile every time I remember them; but I wish I could just forget them along with you.

     We parted ways without having formal goodbyes. But you kept in touch with me, but I had no idea why. I discovered, through our exchanged phone messages, that you have a girlfriend for two years now. I told you I'm happy for the relationship you're having; but mind you, it took me a lot of courage to say that.

     Time soon came when we finally lost connection; to which I prayed hardly would happen. We did not still, had a formal goodbye; but this time it's no more big deal for me. I guess God finally answered my prayer.

     I have been waiting to tell you that finally, after days of comprehending everything that has happened, I cane to my realization; it's that, every weird similarities we have were just pure coincidence. Meaningless. It hurt me to realize you stayed for a while just to give me that lesson. Somehow, you and my first love met at the same point; it was to hurt my heart and leave a scar. However, I cant blame both of you, as this was my choice to contain this feeling; and if others may say you laid a part on making me feel this way, then I will disregard that thought immediately. Maybe I just have to be careful of whom I fall in love with the next time.

U

I was disappoonted because I was expecting things would happen the way I think of them.

I was hoping you could handle me gently during my bad times, turns our I shouldn’ve have.

You were there but you seemed to be so distant, it made me sad.

I can’t even tell you what my bad dreams were, afraid that you might turn them worse.

The fear of trusting you is almost at its peak, and I’m always doing my best to let it down.

How can I find peace of mind when all you did was to let this sadness inside of me grow more?

Please don’t make me think you aren’t the one I am looking for.