To My Most Loved Human Pt. 2

     For the past twelve months, Dane, you have made me believe in love and made me feel the feeling of being in love. I can’t believe you still give me this kilig emotions even after twelve months. I’m still really in love with you just like how I felt when I first realized I want you to become my future husband.

     I still remember that day when you confessed to me that you became attached with me (that was JULY!!!! BIRTHDAY NI YANGYANG!!!) and decided to court me later that night. Yes, attached. You used that word to describe how you felt, to explain why you became fond of holding my hands and clinging unto me at random times. The wound on your heart your ex-girlfriend left was fresh: it was a week ago when you two officially broke up. You then explained to me that you were just waiting for a closure between the two of you since May. Honestly, I didn’t think you’re really in love with me, and you’re just using me to quickly heal your heart and help you forget your break-up. I was supportive with your relationship, in fact (KAMI DUHA NI MING!!)! It was funny, too, back in May, I was the first one you told about your break-up. I didn’t expect it. Actually, I didn’t expect everything that came next. You courting me was so out of the blue, and maybe, yes, maybe, you were just using me: I always had that in mind. A fool I was, I just agreed: AND REALLY, YOU SERIOUSLY COURTED ME. You even said you love me on that same night!!! Geez, every time I remember that night I want to slap myself for being so marupok.

     Plus, you stole my first kiss! Seriously, Dane? It’s one of the worst things you did to me. You aren’t yet my boyfriend that time, but you really kissed me. BUT I gave you a chance. How could I let go when I was just tying my best to hide my growing feelings for you at that time? Aweeeee BUT STILL I’m angry at you for stealing that one.

You’re not yet my boyfriend here but look how close we are to each other na!!

     FAST FORWARD it’s already a week after the board exam results came, and I finally commit to you. It was just a simple yes, after your visit at my house and greeting my parents. It was just a request from me, and you did it. But actually, two months before I answered you, I already fell in love with you. I was just waiting for the right time.

First Month of being ‘us’ CHAREEET

     It was really a series of ups and downs for us, just like in college. Since it was my first time to be in a relationship, everything I see in movies, read in pocketbooks, I tried to do it to you; sending random messages, checking you out at random times of the day, demanding your time, attention, money (lol). Until you’ve grown annoyed with it. You didn’t like the way I treat you. AND I didn’t like how you treat me TOO. It was like I’m just a piece of annoyance in your life and whenever you’re bored, you just call me in. It really didn’t work for me, because I have cried a lot of times because of you. How many times have I already told you about the things that I do not like but you always do with me? It was like my concerns just come and go inside your head, without much thought about it.

When you send me home after a date night

     It really makes me sad. You continue to ignore me with my kaartehan, because you’re too focused on ‘more important’ things. So wasn’t I really important to you?

     Anyway, many times I already tried breaking up with you: but you always say no. It was always of no use when I tried arguing with you about break-ups, about what I feel. Because you always end up saying I love you and I feel completely fine after that. See? That’s how much I love you.

     I think there are also times you don’t see my worth. But every time I would try to start a petty fight with you, the words ‘dili man siguro jud ka ganahan sa akong whole existence’ always replay inside my head. Now it made me wonder, I wasn’t just the only one who decided to stay despite all the bad things that go on between us. That’s why every after fight, I have always learned to love you more. You have made me realize a lot of things, despite those other things that make me contemplate about having you as my boyfriend (AND FUTURE HUSBAND CHAROT!!!).

Christmas! One plus one, two for life.

     So here’s to the shitty yet wonderful months of us, Dane Buenaventura Valderama. I know I have flaws as your overreacting, ugly, kind of immature (IF I COMPARE BOTH OF US) girlfriend, but I know you’d still continue to love me. Haha! And I know in myself too, that even if I had witnessed all your sides, I’d still choose you over someone else (EVEN PARK CHANYEOL!!!). You’d still be the one I want to be with for the rest of my life, the one I want to create a family with, the one I would want to go to the church with. God knows how much I love you and He knows too, that from every try I made in breaking up with you, it was because of not being able to be a good partner towards you, and not you (ENTIRELY LOL).

     I love you so so so so so so so so so much, Dane. So much. And I’m already missing you: but I know these will all be worth it. I always wish you the best life could offer for you. Please always take care of yourself while we’re not yet married. See you soonest and let’s make the coming months of us happier!

 

To My Most Loved Human

I am deeply sorry for being overly dependent with you. I'm sorry for being the more (most) emotional between us, for being hysterically worried over you all the time, for being the weaker human between us. The way I see it, most of the time I only bring you disturbance, and I swear I am deeply sorry for it. I always let my emotions rule over me, that's why I can't trust you. Maybe I need to find myself first before starting this relationship with you. This is all wrong; and since this is getting out of hand, I am finally deciding tyo cut everything between us.

I hope I would stick to my decision this time. I shouldn't be persuaded by your irresistible touch, your kiss that I love the most, your voice that's a melody to my ears. I am tired of hurting you, and I am tired of hurting myself too. I will try my best not to be overly dramatic with this.

You said if I think this is for the best; and I really think it is. This may make me cry for months; and probably you too; but I believe we can overcome the heartbreak.

I must tell you that you have made my past months wonderful months of my life; I loved you so dearly and gave my EVERYTHING to you. Please keep in mind though, that I am not entirely blaming you. Maybe you're right, that my whole world is so revolved around you.

I swear to God, Dane, I have always wished you're the one for me; but after all the struggles we've gone through, I realized that I'm just stressful for you to handle, and that I need to love myself first before loving you.

I always wish you well, Dane. You will always be the person that holds my heart and no one else. Just keep my whole heart, Dane, for the mean time, I think; because I might take a part of it once I discover my real self.

For Kim Jonghyun

     As soon as I received the news that Kim Jonghyun died, my brain immediately got back to my high school memories, retaining those times when I was so in love with his group SHINee.

     How could I forget Jonghyun? He’s the reason why I have high standards for kpop groups’ vocal line. SHINee was my standard for a gopd kpop group. Beat SHINee’s choreography and I’d like you. Beat their songs and I’d listen to yours. SHINee created a way for me to be a kpop fan; they were one of my foundations. If I have this free time my hand would automatically choose a SHINee playlist on Spotify.

     You see, he has a special place in my heart. My body went cold when I found out that he committed suicide. Among all other possibilities of his death, I’d put it at the end of the list. Seeing how he’s all smiles during interviews and shows, and having hilarious tweets that make me laugh every time, it’s hard to think he’s been suffering deep inside.

     Why? Probably people kept on asking from him to do better; but I don’t see him as someone who needs improvement in the kind of industry he’s in. In fact, several groups out there look upon him, and on SHINee, as role models, as inspiration. Jjong is talented enough. Why would he be so down and pressured with the demands of other people? On the brighter side, a lot of fans love him to death; and I’m one of them.

     This should be a lesson to everyone. Now, an icon, an inspiration; a wonderful man died because of depression. Don’t you think it’s alarming? It just proves that, no matter how famour or rich you can be, either we’re at the top of a gold chest or buried under it, depression can hit us. It can take our lives. We, as human beings, should learn to listen to each other, no matter how big or small our problems can be. All we needed is someone who listens and understands. Someone who could hold our hand, who could loce us, when we feel like loathing ourselves. We can’t be at their shoes at the current time they’re suffering but I believe, one day, we’d be experiencing the same dilemma, and for sure we’d be needing someone who’d support us during the hard times too.

     As for Jonghyun, you’re in safe arms now. You’ve fought well, and you may have regretted taking your life, just know that through you, you’ve opened a lot of hearts and minds. Somehow, you’ve left us a part of your regrets; those times when we weren’t paying so much attention when you expressed what you’re feeling through your songs, giving you our full support, for not holding on to you and supporting your skills instead of having these petty demands.

     And for everyone who loves Jonghyun, may his death not be gone in vain. Let us not forget that one of our brothers had given up his life just because he felt like no one wants to listen to what he really feels. Let us be more open-minded and help each other in coping up from our downs, so we could make this world less cruel.

To the Man Who Reminded Me of My First Love

     I have been telling you that maybe we met for a reason. You looked a lot like him; looking at you seems to ache my heart for some time, those sad memories starts to fill my mind instantly. I didn't know you felt the same way; or I think you were; since you said you have two close friends; one with the same name as mine, and the other one who looks like me. You even joked about us being destined. I just laughed it off; and almost disregarded it; but I was a curious person and I contemplate a lot; I took your joke as something worth thinking about.

     You were one hell of a nice, handsome, smart guy. I described you as a 'whole package' to my best friend, who, too, has been analyzing your actions whenever I tell her what happens on a day between us. You're funny too; and, I haven't told anyone about this; it makes you irresistible to be with. We became friends, apparently, and to be honest I forgot how it started. I just remembered how we share music and laugh around on petty jokes you make. There was no label between us, we were plainly friends, and it was very fine for me; satisfying to have a friend like you, to be exact. Somehow, the features you have doesn't seem to let me remember the past; I got a feeling you would be different, and our friendship would not come to that.

     However the hard times never failed to arrive. You started to feel distant. Rumor has it, you have a girl friend you left in your province. I believed it too, because I have observed it and it was oblivious. The awkwardness was starting to fill me up too; knowing that we're getting teased every time we talk. You know the harder part? I was actually starting to like you the more we rarely talk. It's kind of stupid, but the truth is, I have been interested in you since then. Forgive me for I felt like this.

     I felt sad; and quite astonished; on how you always denied having a girlfriend. I badly wanted to ask you why; but I have this strong feeling I don't deserve to know. Private and too personal, right? But, did you know, the more I insisted myself you have found your lover, the more I became interested to know you. For me you seemed so mysterious, and it's a disgusting feeling I should not have.

     I still remember everything you did for me which I thought showed signs of you having an affection on me. You were worried over me for not taking my dinner. You sounded bossy when you scolded me for being 'pasaway' , for drinking something that's not good for my health. You sounded concerned when I ate foods that would trigger my allergy. You usually ask me if I feel fine every time I showed my poker; or what I call; normal face. You offered your shoulder so I can rest my head on it when I felt I'm dozing off to sleep when we were in a van on our way home after a long training trip. You even tease me most of the time to eat carrots because you know I don't like them. You called me beautiful, and it's the first time I heard a man say that to me clearly. Those good things that still make me smile every time I remember them; but I wish I could just forget them along with you.

     We parted ways without having formal goodbyes. But you kept in touch with me, but I had no idea why. I discovered, through our exchanged phone messages, that you have a girlfriend for two years now. I told you I'm happy for the relationship you're having; but mind you, it took me a lot of courage to say that.

     Time soon came when we finally lost connection; to which I prayed hardly would happen. We did not still, had a formal goodbye; but this time it's no more big deal for me. I guess God finally answered my prayer.

     I have been waiting to tell you that finally, after days of comprehending everything that has happened, I cane to my realization; it's that, every weird similarities we have were just pure coincidence. Meaningless. It hurt me to realize you stayed for a while just to give me that lesson. Somehow, you and my first love met at the same point; it was to hurt my heart and leave a scar. However, I cant blame both of you, as this was my choice to contain this feeling; and if others may say you laid a part on making me feel this way, then I will disregard that thought immediately. Maybe I just have to be careful of whom I fall in love with the next time.

U

I was disappoonted because I was expecting things would happen the way I think of them.

I was hoping you could handle me gently during my bad times, turns our I shouldn’ve have.

You were there but you seemed to be so distant, it made me sad.

I can’t even tell you what my bad dreams were, afraid that you might turn them worse.

The fear of trusting you is almost at its peak, and I’m always doing my best to let it down.

How can I find peace of mind when all you did was to let this sadness inside of me grow more?

Please don’t make me think you aren’t the one I am looking for.

R

Note: This post was intended to be uploaded here several months ago.


　　At first I am hesitant to write a simple letter about you, and secretly intended for you; but now here I am, writing these words I badly want to say to you but couldn’t get it out from my mouth and tell you personally, so let my hand write them, so at least it would lift a heavy mass inside my heart which I hid for several months now.

　　First of all, how are you?
　　
　　It’s been six months, to be exact, since you sent me your last message. I could still remember the smile on my face when I read your name on my inbox, indicating that you had indeed sent me a short message, greeting me.
　　
　　But now, even your name, I couldn’t dare to write it.
　　
　　Not because I’m trying to forget you, but because I could feel the shame whenever I remember those times of ‘us’ together.
　　
　　I have always felt something ‘unspoken’ was present between us, that we were just shy and awkward to tell it frankly, simply because it wasn’t right.
　　
　　How was that supposed to mean something? I was foolish back then to think that way.
　　
　　Of course, I haven’t known that men like you, actually exist.
　　
　　Well, unlucky for me, I didn’t ask the basic questions. I was so much carried away by my emotions. Stupidity, and ignorance at its finest; truly, first times aren’t always the best ones.
　　
　　Everyone can blame me, tell me that what I did before was wrong; that I was replying to your messages, that I was feeling this felicity everytime we talk; that I was actually flirting with you, despite the fact that you already have a girlfriend, for a few years.
　　
　　I knew it several weeks after we met, and to be honest, I was already investing a gram of feelings towards you that time. How on earth did this happen? From all the men I encountered with, I actually got attracted to someone who’s already taken?
　　
　　These things make me mad, actually. Really mad; towards you, but most entirely towards myself.
　　
　　Angry towards you for not telling it. For denying it. For acting like you were concerned of me.
　　
　　Angry towards me for being shallow-minded, for being an idiot, for feeling based on my assumptions, for being an unlearned human being when it comes to infatuation and romantic love.
　　
　　This feeling, which has undeniably controlled me for the past few days, had grown in me eventually; but now I realized my limitations. I have accepted that I could only like you from afar, and I could only dream of us being together.
　　
　　But I am thankful; for because of you, I learned that you those silly, pretty little things someone does for you, do not always mean that they like you; because sometimes, they do it out of friendship and appreciation.
　　
　　I won’t pray for your relationship to fail; I pray for you to be loyal and faithful to your other half, for it’s the best thing on the list you could do for her, after love.
　　
　　As for me, too, I pray that these thoughts of you would not feed my emotions anymore, for this has nothing good to do with me, and it won’t bring me genuine happiness.
　　
　　I hope you’re doing good these days. I’m actually hoping to meet you again some time.
　　
Your friend,
S

B

　　It is inevitable; time would really come that you become the worst person you can be, and you just wouldn’t know it. Eventually, you could not handle these hard situations in your life, and you end up being bad, being overly stressed on things, being rude, being hopeless. Then you realized, you have hurt so much people, and you hurt yourself so much. Lucky for you, if you have persons who did not leave, despite the worst side you have shown to the world.
　　
　　That is how I felt when I have experienced the toughest times I could have in my life, and yet this one person stayed with me, no matter how good or bad the weather within me can be.
　　

　　Everyone, meet my one and only, my truest, bestest friend I have.
　　
　　There were many times that I have tested our friendship (almost four years being with a paranoid lady like me wasn’t easy, I tell you) but this lady, whom I didn’t expect to become my best friend, had stayed.
　　
　　I want to dedicate this to her, this one girl that I couldn’t fully express my gratitude to because I can be as awkward as I can get when I say these things personally.
　　
　　First off, I want to say, from the bottom, deepest, most sincere part of my heart, that I love you to death.
　　
　　There were times when I was as moody as I could get, but you handled it; you handled me carefully, you were at your utmost patience most of the time. You kept the madness that starts to build up within you, and chose to do the good approach over the wrong one. I love you so much for that.
　　
　　You knew everything about me; even my deepest secrets. You were my human diary, and it felt lifeless without you. Because of you, I learned to be open to somebody, without keeping sentiments inside my heart, which actually helped me get better day by day. You know it wasn’t good for me to just keep something bad inside anymore because you know I was a masochist, and I got depressed back then; so you helped me cope up by always asking how I am whenever you could notice the look on my face, which signifies that I am not fine.
　　
　　I became dependent to you in so many ways; you’re like my other half already. You have the power to change my mood in an instant. You’re that influential to me. I have already proven a lot of times that you actually love me, and that you were sincere every time you tell me that you’re concerned with me.
　　
　　We have a lot of goals in life, a single paper isn’t enough to fit all of those. We planned to live in the same house together, to travel on our favorite countries, to taste every food we could have, to have business together, to have kids which will be like us, the best of friends; everything that each best friends could think of.
　　

　　And noting is much proof that you’re a gift from heaven when you became a paved way for me to get closer to God. You were a devoted Christian, a Roman Catholic, and because of you, I got close to God, and understood His word. I knew from then on that you were an unexpected gift that came to me; an surprise and blessing that would happen to me. I couldn’t thank the Lord enough for this present which had changed me for the better, and more importantly, which brought me closer to Him.

　　I have always believed that our friendship is different from others’; we were like a couple already, it can’t be denied; some people even think of us as such; but we knew deep in our hearts that the love we feel for each other isn’t the romantic one; but the sisterly one. You always told me I’m your answered prayer; because before, you have no closest ones; but now here I am, and I feel grateful for treating me a blessing.

　　Here’s what I always wanted to tell you, truthfully.
　　
　　I may be hard to deal with at times, but you endured all of it because you love me. Thank you.
　　
　　I’m a person that stresses over things, even the littlest ones, and even came up to the time that I was depressed; but you never left. Thank you.
　　
　　I was hard-headed back then, my pride was as high as a skyscraper, but now I managed to control what I say and became patient, like you. Thank you.
　　
　　My thoughts are disarrayed because I lack faith in God, but you came and taught me how to get closer to him. Thank you..
　　
　　A million thank you’s isn’t enough to express everything I am grateful for because of you, but I always do the best I could to show them in my actions. I may be cold and rude most of the time, but you should think that it isn’t totally me who’s doing it but my ego who’s trying to get herself out of me, trying to rule over kindness. You know that I love you so much, and even though at most times I push you away, you should know, too, that what I feel deep inside is the opposite of it.
　　
　　You’re so hard to replace, and you’re important to me, so I could not afford to lose you. I love you so much. I hope we could stay as best of friends forever.
　　
Your bestfriend.