To My Best Friend, I'm Sorry and Thank You.

Five years.

As far as I remembered, our friendship will be reaching its fifth year this year. The friendship that we built was one of a kind; it does not simulate the typical ‘best friendship’ most best friends out there have; our is a kind of special one, and I am very thankful for having found this kind of sisterhood I have not dreamt of having even once in my life.

You said I was a gift from heaven, that you have been praying for a person like me to come into your life. In all honesty, those words have been one of the sweetest thing my ears have heard ever since I was born.

This is why even though we have taken a really rough road, you still managed to walk on it. You were brave enough to walk with me in this path full of traps and unwanted creatures luring us in every way they can, destroying the relationship we have built.

There were times when I was the saddest person in the world; but you never left me. You never ever left me; even once. You have understood every reason of my downside, like you’re my own sister, and that’s one of the things I could be really thankful for. Your existence to my life was a great gift from God that I did not expect.

Somehow things had gone different for days now.

The problems I deal with are so overwhelming. I may have thought me being sad isn’t the the issue right now; but it is our friendship.

I felt like you’ve changed. I confronted you about it, you said you haven’t; it’s just me that doesn’t understand you any longer. Both of us get mad over simple things already. This has been going for weeks now.

I feel like I just have to let everything go. 

Friendship means helping each other grow, right? How come this doesn’t help us mold ourselves to become better ones?

This problem has been tolerable for the past years, but this time, the signs are too strong to be ignored.

I think it’s time to let this end.

No matter how we get back into good terms, I would still feel something’s not right about this.

And it’s always my fault.

Yes, I don’t want to blame you. Everything bad that happened between us is my fault. 

I know you’ve changed your way of reaching out towards me; you know my every side. You seem to adjust so you could at least understand me; but, have your ever wondered, if I had done the same towards you?

Believe me, I tried. But I always end up getting back on the starting line, because I really don’t know how.

You’re always the one who does a lot of effort for me. You always showed me how much you love me, and how much you love even my darkest, meanest side. You have felt that I don’t like you, because it is what you observe, what you feel; you even told me that maybe I forgot you’re also a human being who could feel the same pain and sadness I have been feeling.

My dear, I do not forget that you’re also a human too.

These days, you have been indirectly showing our other friends what I really am, and that truly hurt me. I do not expose my mean side, but I end up showing it because of you. And I feel so ashamed. Most of the time I want to back our and cry my heart out, but every people would think it’s too shallow to be cried over.

I have been battling every war that happens inside me just to get me throughout the day feeling fine. I have been pretending to be the person I always dreamt to become; the easy-going, happy, smart person everyone has known.

You’re always right; I haven’t loved myself.

And you were right too, that I couldn’t love any person if I do not love myself first.

That would include you on ‘any person’.

But this does not mean our friendship will end here, right?

I would just have to slowly withdraw from any event that may bring us closer, because in the end, both of us would just get hurt, and I don't want to hurt especially you, who have been very important to me.

Plus this isn’t really a priority for us, since we will be ending our last year in college this year and we should be working hard for our dreams.

I do hope that our attachment for each other would cease, because, sadly, this isn’t right. This isn’t right in many ways I can’t imagine.

I've seen Wonders; thank to you.

To that one person I currently invest my feelings to,

Hello there. You might think I this is all a game. You might think that I’ve been joking around with you. You might think that I’ve been lying to you all the time. You might think that I was not sincere when I told you that I was courting you.

Half of me was thankful you felt that way for me, and half of me was pained because of what you were thinking.

You did not know I’ve mustered enough courage to tell these things to you. I have been so dumb at choosing my words to say, so it always ended up being unbelievable; they sounded so unreal that even the best men in town would think of it as one of the craziest things a woman could do towards a man.

The truth is everything I did, everything I said towards you, is real.

I could only show an upwards curve on my lips every time I tell myself I’ve been such a fool for doing those things towards you. Yes, they all sounded so dumb; desperate; immature; but the important thing is, I was sincere and courageous enough to do those things to you.

There were times when I refuse to send my messages to you; in the thought that you might think I’m being silly again. For the record, I gathered a lot of unsent messages; the words my mind do not agree to say to you when my heart was so desperate to say so.

You were like a sunshine to me; in fact, brighter than the brightest light shone by the sun. Your presence is an irresistible reason for me to smile. You make my mind feel at ease. Your smile that greets me every time makes my heart flutter. Your voice and your embrace was the warmest every time I feel them.

My friends are kind of confused as to why I got these feelings for you. My admiration towards you; it’s really a mystery as to why it has come to me. I just woke up one day and realized that I like you. A lot.

That’s why I have been doing my best just to get a smile from you, a conversation with you, just to get into your world and mark my existence in it.

Right now, things might be kind of complicated between us anymore.

You have found your way into another road, and you left the road you used to walk in, saying you were never satisfied to where it leads. I was sad at this realization of yours; but because my affection for you ruled over me, I chose to support you on whatever makes you happy and gratified.

I couldn’t undo everything I showed towards you. I know you might be confused of everything I did; but this heart-felt letter I made for you will tell you everything that’s inside my heart.

I have expected my consequences. I know I deserve, even your slightest hatred, towards me, and I will never blame you. I have shown you one of my other sides. I had no idea you wouldn’t like it; so now, I am withdrawing from my habit of annoying you in any way I can.

Also, from the deepest part of me, I am really sorry. I’m sorry for being so annoying, for being affectionate for no clear reasons, for being so desperate to get your attention; and I’m sorry for stopping things just now.

I still think that after this catastrophe our friendship would still be restored, like this never happened, like all of these was just a dream.

However the fluttering feelings I have for you will remain. You would still be this one person that I admire despite the flaws everyone sees towards you.

Please forgive me and let love forget all the bad things we’ve witnessed.

To you, J, thank you for giving me the chance to show to you the wonders I had developed and discovered because of you.